Romance does not have to be expensive

If I were to ask my husband, What is romantic to you? He would say going out to eat to a restaurant or maybe a movie. That's all fine and good but it does not take much for me but sometimes the same ole thing needs a real good shaking up. When times like they are, who really has the funds to buy roses or even a bottle of perfume? Truthfully, romance does not have to be an arm and a leg. I value thoughtfulness, spend some time with me and hey, whisper those sweet words.

I thought we were long overdue for the new ideas so I would love to send these ideas your way that were shared with me.

Steal away to a bed and breakfast during the week if feasible. The rates are lower than those on the weekend.

The Story and Struggle of Marriage

In first-century Greek, Roman and Jewish society, a man was the master of his house. Wives lived under rule of their husbands and were expected to submit to them. So when the apostle Paul, in his New Testament letters, encouraged wives to submit to their husbands, these words would not have been strange to hear.

Today in the West, two thousand years later, Paul's counsel sounds out of step with a world that no longer advocates the submission of wives. So tell me, what has happened? Have cultural changes trumped the social order of the Bible? Or is there more to this to consider? I've been slowly seeing this issue differently than I used to and I think my perspective is more closely lining up with the unfolding story of the Bible.

Fantasy Love

When I got married, I was in love. I had chosen my husband based on important and reliable qualities. I had grown up with the belief that all you had to do to succeed in marriage was be "good" people and be in "love."

No one told me about the hard work involved in making it through the hard times. I didn't even know there would be any hard times! But, sure enough, the ecstatic "high" soon faded and we were faced with the work of marriage. And we were sadly lacking in the essential skills.

I wasn't happy and neither was he. I expected him to fill all my needs and he expected me to fill his. It wasn't working the way we thought it would. Nobody's needs were being met. The problems we faced were common. Most of us drew our childhood pictures of love and romance from myths and fairy tales. You know, the beautiful princess and handsome prince living happily ever after, etc. As we grew older, television with its Hollywood productions provided many additional views of things romantic.

Armed with the lessons of make-believe love, we enter the real world of marriage and commitment with false hopes and unrealistic expectations. The intense feelings of "falling in love" only serve to heighten the illusion of romance. When reality sets in, the intense fervor cools off. The only heat arises from interpersonal friction. Many couples find themselves struggling to rekindle the fires of romance to, "bring back that lovin feeling."

Myths about Marriage

Our world is full of advice for married couples, newlyweds or not, some of it is commonsense, some well-intended and some wrong. I have been married for 7 years and must admit I have broken the rules more than once and when I talk to my closest friend, she admits the same. I am glad to say, I am not the only one who fell for a myth or two since walking down the aisle.

Myth: Never go to bed angry
It sounds reasonable -- why risk letting a fight smolder overnight only to flare up again the next day? Better to resolve things, sleep soundly, and start fresh. What sense does it make to try and win at the argument but lose at love?

What we say: Just agree to disagree until morning -- especially if it's midnight, there's no resolution in sight, and you're dying on the vine. After all, not every argument comes with a built-in time limit.

I try hard with my husband to wave a temporary white flag and hit the sheets because I have learned that we see the issue more clearly in the morning. "We aren't so caught up in our emotions".

Alternately, agreeing beforehand to make up can take the edge off a disagreement. My best girlfriend says when she can't resolve a conflict with her husband, they have to spend the next day saying or doing nice things for the other person. "By the end of the day, you feel so pumped up on compliments that you just can't stay mad!"

Of course, going to sleep angry isn't great. But here's the bright side: "Even if you go to bed mad and sleep in separate rooms once in a while, you'll be okay -- and so will the relationship," says David Wexler, Ph.D., author of When Good Men Behave Badly (not to mention a dad of two who has been married for 24 years).

Myth: Having a baby brings you closer
When my older son was born, my normally reticent husband and I suddenly had a million things to talk about. (Of course, we spent most of our time talking about one subject: the baby! The baby! And did I mention the baby?)

But then my husband went back to work, the traitor. And the baby got colic. And the thrill of nursing all night and staggering around like a zombie all day began to wear thin. Naturally, I couldn't take my frustrations out on my precious tiny bundle... but I had to blame someone. Guess who?

What we say: Having a baby is the ultimate bonding experience. But it also puts enormous strain on your relationship. One solution? Simple acknowledgment -- couples tend to have problems when they expect everything to go smoothly.

You'll also definitely need help with the unbelievable physical labor babies require. "Delegate. If you're good at the bedtime routine and your spouse loves bathtime, you can divide and conquer the tedious parts of parenting," says Karen Reivich, Ph.D., a research associate at the University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psychology Center, coauthor of The Resilience Factor, and -- most important -- a mom of four who's been married for 14 years.

It helps to get away from the baby on a semi-regular basis. If a formal "date night" makes you cringe, or the logistics seem impossible, opt for something more low-key. "We don't leave the house because we can't afford a babysitter, but every Wednesday night, after the kids are in bed, my husband and I have a glass of wine together as far away as possible from their bedrooms," says Reivich.

Myth: Spouses should be best friends as well as romantic partners
It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? After all, you and your husband know each other better than anyone else, so why wouldn't he be your best friend, too?

What we say: Romantic relationships are different from friendships. One person can't be everything to you. I honestly believe this. I mean, don't get me wrong, we do have similar interests but I enjoy cooking and my husband plays basketball. He eats my cooking and I make it a point to attend his games.

In other words, don't beat yourself up if it sometimes feels like you're closer to the mom next door than to your mate. "It would be great if your husband is someone you have fun with, respect, have great sex with, work well with as a parent, and is your soulmate. But almost no one gets all that in one relationship," says Wexler. And if you and your partner manage some of these things, "you've been blessed," he adds. The trick is to keep your bond going on some level. "Stay involved in your partner's life. When you separate in the morning, make sure you know at least one detail of each other's day -- and ask about it later," says Wexler.

It helps to be grateful for what you do have. "Henry and I have been together for seven years and dated for two -- and he's not my best friend," But after everything we have gone through, he's definitely my most constant friend."

Myth: Don't worry about your (lack of) sex life
In the first months of babyhood, hormones, exhaustion, and what the baby books call being "touched out" -- a polite way to describe wanting to scream if one more human being comes within three feet of you -- all conspire to make sex seem only slightly more appealing than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

What we say: At the risk of sounding unenlightened, after you've had a baby (and especially after the second child), sex becomes absolutely critical to your relationship.

When you're busy, stressed, and seeing about one-tenth as much of each other, sex is the quickest and most rewarding way to reconnect with whatever scraps of the unencumbered and madly-in-love people you both used to be.

My husband and I snap at each other nonstop when we haven't slept together in a while. And, sure, it's easy to put off sex -- after all, you live with the guy and tomorrow is another day. But don't. As a friend so memorably put it: "There's nothing like an orgasm and an overly grateful husband to improve your outlook on life."

You also don't have to fall for the notion that good sex requires an elaborate romantic getaway with your spouse -- that just sets you up for disappointment. It's better to take advantage of frequent stolen moments. "Embrace the quickie -- and widen your repertoire of what counts as good sex," says Reivich. Even if you don't go, as they say, all the way, physical contact of any kind is its own thrill.

Myth: Don't fight in front of the kids
When moms and dads fight, it's scary. Babies can tell when you're angry (and will probably get upset) and bigger kids will worry that the two of you are on the verge of a divorce.

What we say: It can be valuable for children to see their parents work through a disagreement with goodwill. Kids also need to learn that even people who love each other don't get along perfectly. "It's unrealistic to expect no conflict," says Smith. "If you never have a difference of opinion with your spouse, then you've obviously found someone who agrees with everything you think. How boring!"

In other words, it's fine -- even healthy -- for kids to witness your arguments. But there are caveats. (Aren't there always?) "When you argue in front of your kids, it's important to fight fair," says Reivich. "Instead of shouting 'You're a lazy slob!' say 'It really bothers me when you don't take out the trash.' Take issue with the action, not the person, and don't hurl insults." So if the fight is too intense, or there's no resolution in sight, table it until the kids aren't around.

Myth: Never take your spouse for granted
This is the secret of happy marriages, right? Because taking someone for granted means you've stopped appreciating that person.

What we say: Taking your beloved for granted in a marital context can actually mean you know you can count on him, depend on him, trust him -- that you are, without question, absolutely there for each other.

This might mean you've accepted certain roles within your family. My husband and I definitely take each other for granted, I work part-time now and he works full-time -- which he never complains about, even though it's sometimes stressful." When you're married with children, feeling secure enough to lean on your spouse without worrying can be immensely liberating.

However, taking your loyal spouse for granted and treating him like dirt aren't the same thing. Simply expressing gratitude goes a long way. My husband surprises me in different ways all of the time and even though I'm used to it, I'm smart enough to know what a deal I've got. So I say, 'Oh sweetie, thank you so much for this or that! And giggle and glow! Try it out every once in a while. And that's a piece of advice we all should follow.

And Baby Makes 2?

Is it really true that "When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was?"

My husband, Henry and I sure felt a big shift. After our daughter, now 6 was born, our marriage faced more than a few battles -- and a lot of just plain neglect. Like most parents, we were engrossed in taking care of our daughters' everyday needs. Finding time to feed, bathe, and play with her between our work schedules was challenging enough. Trying to hang out as a couple wasn't even on my to-do list.

But there was more to it than time management. There were the routine squabbles about everything from how to discipline our daughter to our own expectations -- and disappointments -- about our postbaby selves. I wasn't fun-loving enough anymore; Henry was watching too much TV and talking to me too little. Through it all, the nagging question remained: How could we nurture our marriage -- the relationship that created this sweetie pie to begin with -- and still manage to be good parents? For me, it often felt like an impossible balancing act.

Learning to compromise...

It happens to the best of us
Many couples do exactly what Henry and I did, says Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D., author of Happily Married with Kids: It's Not Just a Fairy Tale and a mom of two. We give plenty of attention to our children and not nearly enough to each other. And over time, that shift in focus can start to hurt even the most solid relationships.

The irony is that a strong relationship with your partner is one of the best things we can do for our kids. "My husband and I should be modeling a good relationship, which will in turn set our children up for better marriages themselves when they grow up.

Sounds like a great ideal -- but tough as nails. First of all, we're just more tired. Who's got the energy to be romantic -- hell, to even hold a conversation for more than five minutes -- after spending a day at the beck and call of a baby? And then there's all that unabashed baby love. More than one doe-eyed mom I know has sheepishly admitted that, for a while, she loved her new baby more than her husband. After Stasia was born, I suddenly had a more important person in my life -- my baby girl. I was focusing all of my energy on being a mom. And for a while, my husband and I were just acting like roommates who happened to share responsibility for this new little person.

Pointers for a strong partnership
How can you keep a focus on your marriage when most of your time and energy is devoted to your kids? Try to treat your relationship with your partner as the one that's most important in your life -- even more than the one with your children -- and the whole family will benefit from it.

Sounds harsh to put your baby second? I have a lot of herve because this was kind of hard for me. I am not suggesting that parents forget about their kids' needs, and he admits that there will be some natural relationship neglect during the first years of your child's life. But, he says, it's actually pretty easy for you to do small things that will convey to each other -- and to the kids -- how much you value your relationship.

Ways to keep the romance alive

Ideas to help you keep your marriage strong:

Shift your center of attention sometimes
My husband and I want our 6-year-old daughter to know that they're not always going to drop everything when she wants our attention. We don't let her demands interrupt our conversations if they're not pressing. In the meantime as she gets older, she'll be able to participate more. But in the meantime she's learning that, with a few exceptions, she has to listen and wait her turn to talk.

Create warm welcomes
Sure, you hug your kids and pet your dog every day. But do you greet your husband with the same enthusiasm? Once in a while, kiss and hug as if one of you is going away and you aren't going to see each other for a week. Let the kids giggle: This kind of affection reassures them that you're close to each other, as well as to them.

Try 20-minute reconnects
You don't need a whole weekend away or even a regular "date night" to keep the spark alive.

Share the load
Chore time can also be prime couple time. After we put Stasia to bed at night, we try and fold clothes. This gives us more time to interact and talk about the day. There's an added benefit to this kind of couple time: Because we're helping each other get stuff done, there's no resentment about who does more.

Encourage your kids' independence
When children learn to entertain themselves (quietly, we hope) for short periods of time, it means less time you have to spend as your tot's activity director and more time for yourself and your husband. When the older children, they can entertain Stasia and also tend to bowls of cereal and milk for her and Henry and I are able to get an extra ten minutes in bed on weekend mornings.

More ways to keep the spark going

Revive your past
Has your couple-time routine become, well, routine? Ask yourself, "What did we used to have fun doing together?" Whether it's listening to live jazz or playing miniature golf, try it again. A lot of times those activities have leftover magic in them and they can help you remember who you were as a couple before you became parents.

Put sex on your schedules
Sounds a bit unspontaneous --and it is. But it's often the only practical way to make sure you keep your intimate relationship on your to-do list.

Fight as if the neighbors can hear you
Loud bickering is insulting and can zap the intimacy out of any marriage quickly. Throwing verbal low-blows back and forth in front of the kids also shows them you don't respect each other. (Do this often and don't be surprised if your preschooler talks to you in a similarly disrespectful way when you're having a battle.)

Remember: Dad's way works, too
Most of us have criticized our husbands for not feeding or dressing our kids exactly as we would do it. We do not want our husband to feel as if he is a parenting aide than an equal partner. And if he doesn't think you trust him to take care of your kids as well as you do, resentment can build. On another note, I want men to guard against the temptation to skirt the demands of parenting by escaping to work, the garage or the couch in front of the TV.

Be a cheap date
You already know that a date with your husband can reignite that spark in your relationship but keep in mind that it doesn't have to be dinner and a movie. If you both work, meeting for lunch while the kids are in daycare can be just as fun as dinner at the same restaurant.

Understand the stages of marriage
If you can appreciate that the challenging times in your marriage are temporary, you're less likely to feel trapped. Feeling disconnected from your partner while your kids are little is going to happen -- and it doesn't mean that your marriage is on the rocks. Instead, see your anger or frustration as a signal that you just need to back up and make a greater effort to connect with each other.

No matter how hard it may be at times, investing in your marriage now, while your children are young, is vitally important. One of my child's greatest anxieties is the fear that her parents won't stay together, so what is a child's greatest comfort? Knowing that her parents' relationship is as strong as it can be. In other words, you don't have to choose between a happy marriage and happy, secure kids. By having the first, you'll likely get the second as well.

Get out of the old routine.......

Couples can all too easily slip into a mode in which they are running a household and practicing tag-team parenting, barely giving each other so much as a hug before bed. When you start to feel like roommates, you must remember the romance. Making a date with each other is essential for relationship wellness. It allows you to get away from the distractions of daily life and get back to each other.

Date night can happen on any night, on any budget. It can be one night a week, one night a month, or anything that works for you. Whatever you choose, it works best if you set a regular schedule and stick to it, without letting excuses get in the way. And be sure to make it a date to remember. Did he used to love live jazz music? Go to a club one night. Have you been dying to try a cooking class together? Sign yourselves up! One of my favs is to catch a movie! Go out to eat at one of his favorite restaurants. It can be fun to alternate date planning, so each of you gets to choose every other date. Surprise each other!

This happens to everyone so just pick up the pieces and get going!

And remember that every good date ends with a kiss, or more….

What Does Submission Really Mean?

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands.

1 Peter 3:1

There is no doubt that a wife's "submission" is one of the most controversial concepts in the Bible. Just mention the word and many women immediately become angry, hostile and even ready to throw blows. This subject of submission has been highly debated and even misunderstood.

The dictionary doesn't help because it defines submission in a negative way. As a noun it means "subservience and abasement." As an adjective it means "nonresisting, unassertive, docile, timid, passive and subdued."

Who wants to be described like that? I certainly don't. These negative definitions of submission often lead to abuses of the concept by husbands who fail to understand its biblical meaning and the man's role in a marriage.

Some husbands and wives actually believe submission indicates that women somehow are inferior to men. Or that women have no right to challenge something their husbands say or do. Submitting doesn't mean that you tolerate abuse or neglect.

It does mean respecting your husband and allowing him to lead in your relationship. It means interacting with your husband on a key decision, sharing your perspective as his partner and then trusting your husband. It means being supportive in what he does right.

My husband needs my voluntary submission in order to become the servant-leader God wants him to be. And when Dennis loves me the way he is commanded to, it is easier for me to submit to him and his leadership.



Discuss: In what ways, as a woman, are you thankful for your husband's leadership?

Pray: That submission and authority will not be a problem in your home.